If you havent been watching the seemingly endless number of Republican debates, youve been missing some great laughs. For humor, the debates have been every bit the equal of Dumb and Dumber, Beavis and Butthead, The Jerk, or Jackass 1-3.
The presumed eventual winner is Governor Mitt Romney who has been running for president almost as long as Harold Stassen. Yet hes perpetually stuck in second place in virtually all of the polls. Thats because his support for a health care mandate as Massachussetts governor has put him at odds with the Teapublican hatred of so-called socialist Obamacare. He has, however, shown a unique skill of managing to find a position on every side of every issue.
One-time poll leader, Governor Rick Perry, was encouraged to run based on the mythic Texas miracle. As the myth goes, he created most of the jobs in America over the past 3 years. But the truth is, he used federal stimulus funds (which he now abhors) to create temporary minimum wage jobs without benefits. In case youve forgotten, hes the man who advocated that Texas secede from the US. Hes also a serial executioner who has shown a disturbing fondness for maple syrup, and, if elected president, he wants to eliminate 3 federal agencies assuming he can remember which ones.
Another outdated flavor-of-the-month candidate is Herman Cain, the accused serial sex offender and proud no-nothing on foreign policy and geography. He brags that his 9-9-9 tax policy is simple enough to be counted on the fingers of both his hands. Presumbably, the remaining middle finger is held erect for the poor and the middle class. When asked the right question, he does a hilarious impersonation of a deer in the headlights.
Newt Gingrich is the shameless book peddler and hypocrite who led the impeachment effort against President Clinton while, himself, having an affair as his first wife was fighting cancer. No one describes Newt better than Congressman Barney Frank who calls him a lobbyist and a liar, a charge borne out by the revelation that Newt received $1.8 million from Freddie Mac as a lobbyist er consultant.
Sinking lower down the list, we come to Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann who made a fortune off agricultural subsidies from the federal government she claims to hate. The congresswoman has shown that she has no understanding of history, geography, foreign policy, economics or most anything else. Shes running, she says, because God told her to, which, if true, proves that God is a wrathful being who hates America.
Congressman Ron Paul is really a Libertarian. He hates the federal government he one day hopes to run, which is apparently the only reason hes included in the Republican debates.
Congressman Rick Santorum? You don’t even need to listen to him to enjoy the good humor. The punch line to his joke is readily available on Google.
Finally, we come to former US Ambassador to China and former Utah Governor John Hunstman who seems rational, knowledgeable and moderate. Is it any wonder hes running dead last in the Republican polls?